Solitude and Loneliness

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude.  One is about missing the other and one is about being content with being alone and liking the company we keep. It is important to love ourselves if we expect to create healthy relationships. So the question becomes how do we define loving our self?

Some claim to love themselves and yet their life is filled with chaos. If you find yourself in a chaotic, abusive and violent relationship it is not possible that you are treating yourself lovingly. There is a huge difference between someone who places him/herself in the center of a healthy life, capable of making supportive choices and someone with an inflated, fragile or narcissistic ego.

People who love themselves in a healthy way, consider themselves in their relationships. This means I take what I want or need into account along with what my partner needs or wants. It means that if what my partner needs/ wants would cost too much of me, I cannot satisfy that need without careful consideration of what my compromise would cost the relationship. If I sell myself short in order to please you, eventually I will resent you. If, however, I stop to consider whether my compromise would eventually cause resentment for me–if I am willing to take responsibility for my compromise, understanding that I cannot then blame you for my choice–then resentment will not appear. Resentment comes from jumping over myself to please you when I cannot afford to do so. We have to first consider how important that boundary we are considering violating is -and is it flexible enough to withstand compromise. If not, then together we talk about the issues.

Of course this idea of putting yourself first flies directly in the face of most of our childhood teachings about “selfishness”. So hear me, it’s not that we become self-centered or or self-indulgent. That would likely be self defeating and narcissistic.  What I am saying is do not make decisions in your relationships which are not respectful of who you are. If you do, both you and your partner will eventually be miserable.

This means that if your partner is abusive- in word or deed, you do not accept it. You speak-up, if safe, because that is not what love looks and acts like. It means you either fix the problem or leave the relationship. You know when your limit has been reached and remember, fixing the problem is a process not an event.

Loving self means everyone doesn’t have to love or even like you. It means it is okay to make mistakes. Making mistakes is something we all do. The trick is to learn from them and try not to repeat them. Loving self means learning to respect our vulnerability…to even treasure it. Loving self means even when others disagree with me, I can accept difference without self-recrimination. If I am unhappy being around your difference then I may leave you, because I do not have the right to control your way of being in the world.

When I love myself well I do not have to control others. I accept people the way they are and accept myself the way I am. I am willing to compromise that which doesn’t cost me  my integrity. Integrity is a vital part of loving  who we are. Integrity is when we are living our life true to our beliefs and moral code.

As an adult who has learned to love self, I take responsibility for everything in my life.  I am not a victim. I am responsible for how I feel. I am responsible for what I do. I am responsible for the choices I have made. I know that any choice I make that clashes with my moral code will exact a price, and that price is more than I can afford to pay. I can handle it when things go wrong. I am no longer willing to deny the sadness and/or tragedy of my life…or the joys and pleasures. My life is most often just fine and I am not hooked on drama. Loving self means peace not chaos.

Life is not fixed and static. It is always open to change and challenge. Teach yourself to be excited by that change and challenge. Celebrate all of the potential of your life– and your partners life. And you can dream how two separate people with such interesting differences can come together to create a good relationship.

And remember, loving self implies being a self worth loving. Get busy.